Nothing Left To Say Now
by iluvtorun
Summary: Oneshot song-fic, inspired by "Nothing Left to Say Now" by Imagine Dragons. Oliver's angsty thoughts during 2x08, so obviously spoilers for 2x08. Neither the characters nor the lyrics are mine.


_ AN: So. . . yeah, great ep last night. I think "Three Ghosts" is going to let us see what happens to Shado, Slade, and Sara. I think we'll see the origins of Deathstroke. This little addon to 2x08 was inspired by "Nothing Left To Say Now" By Imagine Dragons. Perfectly Angsty piece for our Oliver. Neither the characters nor the lyrics are mine. Just a drabble to keep us entertained momentarily to help pass the time until NEXT Wednesday. _

_xxx_

**_Who knows how long I've been awake now  
The shadows on my wall don't sleep  
They keep calling me, beckoning._**

He'd been dreaming of the island more since Sara came. Seeing her again has brought back all of the chaos and confusion of finding out she was alive the _first _time. Add on all the other chaos of the past few weeks . . . Russia and the Count . . . and Oliver felt as if he was drowning. He hadn't been certain Diggle would get out of that prison. He had disappointed Felicity by sleeping with Isabel, and then he had nearly lost her to the Count. He had broken his vow to not kill again, but it didn't bother him as much as the thought that he almost lost Felicity.

He didn't sleep often, but when he did, he saw Shado, Slade, and Sara. Yao Fei. He remembered the moments where they injected Slade with the _Mirakuru_, and the moment when he had to kill him. The moments when Sara and Shado died. Sara had miraculously lived, but he had buried Shado himself, so he knew there were no other miracles. He saw his father holding a gun to his head.

He lay back in his bed, unable to believe the _Mirakuru _was back in play. As he had told Diggle, he prayed that he was wrong, but he had that terrible gut feeling that he wasn't. It was the only thing that made sense. He felt the memories pulling him down, threatening to consume him.

**_Who knows, what's right, the lines keep getting thinner  
My age has never made me wise  
But I keep pushing on, and on, and on._**

And then there was Felicity. No matter how he tried to keep her at arms length, the lines kept blurring. He wanted her in a way he shouldn't, that he _couldn't_, for her own safety. Then he remembered the moment the Count had drawn back his arm, ready to stab her with a solution that would surely end her life . . . and by extension, _his_. The lines of right and wrong continued to blur where Felicity was concerned. Diggle was right though, there was something between Felicity and Barry Allen. As much as he had initially wanted to send the skinny, lying runt packing, he realized that Felicity deserved some modicum of happiness. He could not be with her, could not admit his love for her, so he had called the boy and asked him to come to his mother's party. He had taken far too much from Felicity as it was, so he figured that he owed her this. Even though he felt a hole expand in his chest as he watched them dancing together.

_**There's nothing left to say now **__  
__**There's nothing left to say now**__  
__**Give it up, give it up, give it up now. **__  
__**Give it up, give it up, give it up now.**_

No matter how many times he tried to make the best choices . . . for his family, for his friends, for the company, he took so many missteps. He thought of the disaster with Helena, and the moment Felicity walked in on him meeting with her and Diggle. He had, even then, when things were still new and unknown, seen the flash in Helena's eyes as she realized Felicity could be used against him. And when it had mattered, he had been with McKenna instead of being there for Felicity. He had tried to be with Laurel, but he ended up hurting Tommy. And then Tommy had died. He had hurt Felicity by being with Isabel. He had ignored Isabel's warnings about how his mother would be received back in to society, even though she had been right. He tried to make the best decisions, but they always seemed to backfire.

He knew Diggle wanted him to tell him more about _Mirakuru _ and his time on his island, but he couldn't bring himself to share more with him than he already had. Just as he couldn't allow himself to share more with Felicity than he already did. It wasn't that he didn't want to. _God, _he wanted to tell them. They accepted him for what he was, and as much as he wanted to finally let go of what he was holding inside of himself, he was more worried that if he told them the _whole_ truth, they would head for the hills and never look back.

So he held back from Digg. And he pushed Felicity into Barry Allen's ridiculously overeager, juvenile arms. He had no right to judge the boy, because no matter what Oliver thought of him, he was still far more worthy of Felicity than he himself was.

**_Below my soul, I feel an engine  
Collapsing as it sees the pain  
If I could only shut it out  
I've come too far to see the end now_**

It was his curse, he knew. He would bear it. _Because of the life I lead, I just think its better to not be with someone I could really care about._ He would hold Felicity away. He would keep some of his secrets until they absolutely had to be told. Maybe his choices weren't always the best, but he would do what he could. These were his burdens to bare. He would try his damnedest to keep the ones he cared about safe, at all costs. The cost to him was negligible—penance, in a way, for all the things he had done.

_**Even if my way is wrong **__  
__**I keep pushing on and on and on and on**__  
__**There's nothing left to say now **__  
__**There's nothing left to say now**__  
__**Give it up, give it up, give it up now.**_

It was the _Mirakuru_. As he fought the man with the black mask in the Argus warehouse, he knew that his worst fears were true. It was back. Then he was flying through the air. The pain was indescribable. He felt something stab into his leg and felt an instant numbness permeate his body. He could hear Felicity in his ear, calling to him. "Oliver? Are you okay? SAY SOMETHING!?" He could hear her panic, and wanted to tell her he was fine. Except he wasn't.

**_Give it up, give it up, give it up now.  
There's nothing left to say now  
There's nothing left to say now_**

I keep falling, I keep falling down  
I keep falling, I keep falling down

He heard her calling again, but it wasn't in his ear. She was there, he could hear her voice echoing in the warehouse. She sounded so scared. He wanted to tell her he was okay, that she shouldn't worry, but he couldn't move . . . couldn't speak. He felt her hands on his face, heard her panic grow. He wished he could reassure her, that he could open his eyes and see her light. He could use a bit of her light just now. _Felicity_. And then he felt the last shreds of consciousness he held on to slip away. The nightmares and ghosts came. _Memories._

**_I keep falling, I keep falling down _**

**_I keep falling, I keep falling down_**

**_If you could only save me_**

**_I'm drowning in the waters of my soul_**


End file.
